Going through the journey of raising a child that has different or "special" needs has taught me to appreciate some things that seem very ordinary in a different way.


April 2, 2007

My daughter fell asleep in my arms tonight. For some parents this might be a daily occurrence and for others a frequent one. This was exactly the third time my daughter has ever fallen asleep while in my arms. Funny thing, I can tell you the exact date of each of the three times I have been blessed with this simple moment.

May 24, 2004

The first time my baby daughter fell asleep as I held her was also the day I met her. In an orphanage a few hours after she was first placed in my arms as I tried to wrap my head around the fact that this little girl was mine. The end of the visit that would change the course of both our lives in ways we could not begin to imagine. Strangers this day, I was yet another in a line of caretakers, and I spoke with unfamiliar words and disrupted her strict yet unstimulating routine of eating and sleeping. An indescribable time trying to absorb the reality the beautiful baby in my arms while simultaneously being watched by her caretakers and hoping I was doing the “right” “Mommy” things so that no one would change their mind and take the baby away as suddenly as she arrived. Perhaps she sensed my anxiety at being watched, my difficulty in actually believing that she was actually going to be my daughter, my fear that somehow this would not work out. I hope she also could feel the love I had for her before we even met. Perhaps she felt it all and her way of coping was to fall asleep or perhaps it was simply that she was tired because it was her nap time. Either way when she fell asleep I was more distracted by the weight of the day to notice this small but magical moment.

July 7, 2004

The second time Kira fell asleep in my arms was the day I took her from the orphanage for good. After waiting what felt like years from the day we met and jumping through all the official hoops required Kira and I were finally becoming a forever family. I cannot begin to imagine what a strange and overwhelming day this must have been for her. With our visits I hope by now I was a bit familiar to her but nevertheless here she was changed into new clothes, held by multiple caretakers some of whom were crying as she was getting ready to leave, being held for endless pictures and then riding in a car for what likely was the first time since her arrival at the orphanage. As the car careened down the uneven road (speed limits seemed to be merely a suggestion in Russia) Kira settled into my arms (no car seats in Russia either) and promptly began to suck loudly on two of her fingers as she fell asleep. Again this moment was a bit lost to me as I was busy feverently praying that our driver would get us back to our hotel in one piece.

April 2, 2007

I could never have imagined that day that I would have to wait nearly three years for my baby to fall asleep in my arms again. I didn’t know then that Kira would struggle with “sensory issues” that would make it nearly impossible for her to fall asleep with any kind of extra stimulation. In many ways this led her to be supremely easy to put to bed. I quickly learned that as far as she was concerned if I was holding her or merely even just in her bedroom she considered that to be an invitation to play. Only after I left her room would she fall asleep and usually very quickly. My friends who had children with sleep issues could not believe how easy she would go down for naps and nighttime. I am certainly not a person who functions well without a solid eight hours of rest so I am aware at how lucky I have been in this regard.

Yet at the same time I would watch my friends children curl up on their laps and fall asleep without hesitation. At home or at a restaurant, traveling or just hanging out it seemed that every child I knew could fall asleep easily as long as they were in their parent’s arms. There was not a chance of this happening with Kira. On very rare occasions she would fall asleep in the car but otherwise it was her crib or not at all. Sometimes I would pretend she was like other kids and let her get in my bed if for some reason she woke up in the middle of the night. That always ended the same way. She would play and play and then “try” to sleep until I ended up taking her back to her room, leaving both of us frustrated and unhappy. Sometimes she would even fool me into thinking she had fallen asleep in my arms only to restart a conversation that had ended hours before.

Once she moved into her “big girl bed” she always wanted me to “rest with” her when it was time for bed. After sharing stories and songs she would inevitably promise to go to sleep if I stayed with her but never could. She would try her hardest but the lure of saying just one more thing or singing a song to herself or of simply just feeling the outline of my face kept her from her job of sleeping so she can “grow up big and strong.” She will protest each night when I tell her I have to go because I am keeping her awake and it is Mommy’s job to make sure that she gets lots of sleep so that she can do her job of growing up “big and strong.”

Tonight was different, perhaps because she is growing up (too fast!) or perhaps because she is calming down (I wish!) or maybe for some other reason that I will never know. What I do know is that tonight I was blessed with that magical moment when my daughter snuggled up in my arms and fell asleep. So simple and so wonderful and I count myself as lucky to really understand just how special this experience can be.